Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something I've been dealing with a lot lately. My tolerance level versus my disobedience. I've been thinking...I own this much based on these resources and my place in society, while I want to help others does this mean there's a social morality that makes me feel guilty to not helping others in a financial sense? I think there is an argument that if you are helping others by going to school, by getting a job, and by ultimately doing better in order to give back, I think that ties into an ultimatum perspective that does not bind if that person never gives back. Yet we feel this is a good 'so we tell ourselves this, so this makes us feel better' tactic. My friend Christian and I are discussing this right now. The question comes up as, why should I feel guilty for not doing this sense of charity if I feel that I am doing this sense of charity? I then ask, is that second sense of charity a real thing, or just a feeling? I think lately I've been feeling like I'm thinking so much about this and that, that I want a something to place my being [into], like a cause of some sort. I think our society allows a 'you're doing well, you're going to school, you are happy, therefore you are in a good place in life and should not feel bad for not contributing financially back to society' mentality, but I admit, I see times where I could be doing something more: something I care about.

The other day I interviewed for an internship that finds and gives furniture to those in need. I'm really looking forward to working with this company because they truly help people. People come in and value physical property that helps them accomplish some goal, and giving someone else happiness by giving them something they desire--s something I truly love. I don't like fickleness, or shallowness in this case, but when something is genuine, true, and humble, I feel that is a healthy thing. It's like when I call my grandma, or my aunt, or anyone, and I tell them about my successes, my day, my failures, my stumbling blocks, and just share my humor--I know it's a mitzvah because you share and tell someone something that is progressive, helpful, and honest. Something that I feel many people love, is giving advice on a topic, or simply listening.

I find it bothers me how much I physically own simply because I've come about my belongings in an ironically healthy and financially beneficial way, yet I never saw myself gaining these belongings in this place and time. I always pictured myself older, with a small artist's apartment in a small nook and cranny of some delightfully pleasant city. I know that's just an image, but it's something I've had to accommodate.

I don't believe thinking is a bad thing, or if you know too much you should therefore know less, but I do believe that dwelling, or 'kvutzing' over a matter leads to unhealthy habits, despite any awareness of this fact. I believe forgiveness needs to allow for yelling at others, yelling at yourself, and being sturdy enough to be yelled at. If not, you aren't truly taking in an opinion, judging it, evaluating it, and changing from that opinion; or, not changing from that opinion.

Forgiveness is not a matter of grinding your teeth, or stressing your brow, or rolling your eyes, or even trying to clear your mind and be logical while avoiding your actual emotions. Forgiveness, I believe, is simply learning to appreciate others' opinions, value that friendship, and respect your differences.

Christian is playing guitar now. The guitar is a baby guitar my mom bought for me many Hanukkahs ago for some random reason that to this day I cannot fathom. I believe she thought it was cool, but why she thought I'd want a guitar is beyond me. Still, it was a wise investment, because even if I don't play it, Christian does. Mazel tov.